At the moment, I mean in this moment right now I am repeating to myself:
a mantra I would like to backspace right now. But then I’d be lying.
I’ve written two blogposts in the the last month. Didn’t manage to make them perfect so they are still in drafts. Most days I wake up and during my “things I didn’t get done yesterday” overview in bed, I think I’ll find a window somewhere (lying to myself). Then, I don’t find time or concentration so I feel the mantra bubble up inside:
Fortunately, amongst my jobs (one of which helped me to have my first “poking” experience last night. Yes, I was poked by two-different glittery, pointy-nailed women in the back while carrying trays of passed apps during the Western Design Conference in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.) and friends and love and family and dog sitting and drinking too much and (not really) trying to lose the extra ten pounds the prevent me from borrowing most of my friend’s jeans, there is a little light in me burning, burning that won’t really accept
(even if I know that I’m pleasing no one, especially my family by not attending my grandmother’s (who was gravely ill until about a month ago) 90th birthday party because I have chosen to work (for free) at the Director’s Lab Chicago and I can’t afford two tickets. I know I will regret this. I know that I feel good about my choice. I know that it probably will seem selfish to 93 % of those involved in my life who don’t get why I do what I do or why following through on this conference that changed my life (and helped to inspire project1979) is really important to my sanity and future.).
Basically, what prompted the
feeling was the knowing that I’m most likely pleasing no one but myself in the action of pressing the “purchase” button I’ve so dreaded in the decision-making process…
yet then the light…in the distant dissonance of the
mantra that I strive so hard to re-tune, I saw the left click on the red button somewhere (if not abstractly) as a step in the continuation of project1979
I’m uncomfortable with my decision. I’m a little bit happy. I wish I could please everyone. And I probably do suck a little bit right now.
Which inspired me to write this post. Because we have to start (again) somewhere. And if I wait for things to be perfect I’ll never start (again) ever.
Here is my life with typos. Through lack of sleep, the constant battle I have with myself and the
mantra, and the digestion of too many carbs already today, I’m reaching for that mouse, pressing “publish” and following through. Some things are more important than perfection, anyway. Learning that the hard way.
See you soon.